Beauty and Big Hips

From The Eyes of The Heart: A Memoir of the Lost and Found, 1999
by Frederick Buechner

In speaking about his mother:
" I always felt [it was a] curse upon her of having been born blue-eyed and beautiful, with the result that she never had to be especially kind and loving in order to draw people to her because they were drawn to her anyway."
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So there was this girl that I went to college with named Ashley.  I really didn't know her all that well - she lived in my dorm but on a different hall than I did.  All I really knew about Ashley was that she was gorgeous.  So much so that my friends and I started calling her "Pretty Ashley."  (Coincidently, one girl in my close group of friends was also named Ashley.  We did not intend for the adjective to become a point of comparison between the two girls with the same name, but I have not ever asked my friend if she was specifically hurt by the nickname for the other.)  So conversations might be like this:  "Pretty Ashley was at the gym this morning with me" or "Oh, Pretty Ashley was looking for her backpack - have you seen it?"  I don't remember if we ever called her Pretty Ashley to her face, but to this day I think about her as not Ashley, but Pretty Ashley.

We females are great at comparing ourselves to others - as my friends and I secretly did every time we saw Pretty Ashley on campus.  I know that many "ologists" (Psychologists, Sociologists, Anthropologists) have scientific and cultural explanations for our tendency to always size each other up.  It's an instinct thing - we are competing with each other for a mate.  It's social - we associate beauty with wealth, so our chubby pale ancestors were beautiful because they didn't have to work and had money for food, but now tan and skinny is a cultural sign of wealth.  In the end, I am sure that there are many logical reason that women walk into a room and immediately rate themselves against the others.  "Well I am bigger than her, but prettier than that other girl..."  Still, it can't be healthy and I wish I could stop myself from participating in this culture of comparison.

When I first read this quote from Buechner (Sorry - I didn't intend to post twice in a row from the same author) I was shocked.  I neglected to underline it, as I was reading in the pre-kindle days.  Still, the idea that Buechner planted has lingered in my consciousness for years, so I finally hunted and found the direct quote:  "She never had to be especially kind and loving in order to draw people to her because they were drawn to her anyway."  


What an insightful turn of perspective!  Is it possible that my "Coomer Boomer"* hips have given me a wider sense of understanding?  Could it be that my crooked nose has helped me to love straighter?  Maybe my muffin top shaped my peaceful nature.  If so, than did my symmetrical lips cause me to talk negatively about others?  Did my pretty hair cause me to see others as ugly?


Now I know that in many ways, this is a gross oversimplification and it does not work out.  I know that a healthy self-esteem is good.  It's normal for me to love and hate parts of myself.  After all, there are plenty of unattractive people who are cruel and mean, and plenty of beautiful people who are warm and kind.  Still, thinking about body image from Buechner's perspective helps me to shut out the negative self talk, the objectified comparisons, and the unjustified superiority - and I am guilty of all three.     



*"Coomer Boomer" is the name that my mom's generation of sisters and cousins have given to the genetically wide hips that run the family.  My generation has adopted this nickname as well.  Honestly, I have never met a stronger or more self sufficient group of women than the Coomer Clan, and I'll take these hips all day if it means that I can inherit an ounce of the drive and grace that comes with them.