"A Little More"

From Lay It Down,2000

Jennifer Knapp

"What I do I don't want to do and so goes the story."

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This line comes from Romans, but for some reason I recite Jennifer Knapp in my head instead of Paul.  

I mostly think about this in relation to working out / eating healthy (which I know dumbs down the original meaning a bit).  No matter how much I tell myself that being healthy and feeling good about myself really is worth the effort, I can't seem to make it stick.  I have never once regretted spending time at the gym, but when the alarm clock starts singing, I hit the snooze.  I feel no more rested when I finally wake up, I just feel bad for skipping my morning exercise. 

It's hard for me to believe myself when I promise that this try will stick because I have been unsuccessful so many times.  If someone else lied to me as much as I have lied to myself, I wouldn't want that person in my life.  I guess I need to find a way to earn back my own trust--if that makes any sense at all. 

I don't know if Jennifer Knapp (or Paul) makes me feel better or worse.  Partly I think, "Well, at least I am not the only person who gets stuck," but I also think, "If after 2000 years of evolving, humans still find themselves in the same predicaments, what makes me think I can succeed any better than our friends in scripture?"   

I guess all I can do is to keep on trying, while trusting that I need something greater than humanity (which is proven to fail).  If, however, any of you have some magic answers to this age old question, please, share the wisdom. 

"No More Faith"

From Clear to Venus, 2001

Andrew Peterson

This is not another song about the mountains, 

Except about how hard they are to move.

Have you ever stood before them

Like a mustard seed that's waiting for some proof?

I say faith is a burden.

It's a weight to bear,

It's brave and bittersweet.

And hope is hard to hold to, 

Lord I believe; only help my unbelief. 

'Til there's no more faith,

And no more hope.

I'll see your face and Lord I'll know

That only Love remains...

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I love Andrew Peterson's music.  He tells the truth--and doesn't ignore the difficult parts about trying to live a life of faith.  This song is one of my favorites, because it speaks to the harsh reality that believers often experience.  

I often talk about faith as something that isn't absolute.  When I know that something is true beyond a shadow, then it takes no faith to follow.  To me, faith is knowing that even though I could be wrong, I follow nonetheless.  Faith is admiting that I do not have a monopoly on truth, but that the glimpse that I have found in this world makes sense, and I will follow still. 

I was watching TV around Christmas, and came upon a news story about a man who dressed as Santa, drove to his ex-wife's Christmas celebration, and killed several family members before burning the house down.  Later that night, one of the networks decided to re-run the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.  During the introduction of nations, cameras cut to basketball star Yao Ming holding a young boy.  This boy was chosen to walk in the ceremonies because during the earthquakes in China, his school collapsed and he walked back into the rubble and saved two classmates.  

Ever since hearing both of these stories on the same day, I have pondered the width of the spectrum of human capability.  I am brought to tears by stories of love and of hate every day.  I wonder where God is and how he/she can stand this, and I hear him asking back how we can stand it.

Having faith forces us to struggle with these questions.  How can humanity be so greedy, and yet graceful? Am I doing all I should?  Do I really need all of this stuff?  Are we really supposed to give to everyone who asks of us?  What about the people that take advantage of grace and kindness?

Yes, Mr. Peterson, Faith is a burden.  But it is faith that will hold us all until we need it no more. All we can hope for is that one day we will see your face, and the greatest of these will remain--and that is Love.